The negative emotion I experience most frequently is fear. Over the past couple of days, I’ve been reflecting on how my interactions with my parents during childhood shaped my subconscious.

My father was very stern—quick-tempered and impatient. He only criticized and never offered praise or encouragement.

My mother was emotionally unstable, which made me feel unsafe.

My younger sister is two years younger than me, and I’ve always loved her dearly. But even before I started school, my parents began demanding that I take good care of her. They’d say, “When Dad’s not around, you’re the man of the house.” That was a huge burden for little Kevin.

Because of this, my subconscious has always been locked in a survival mode of hypervigilance—constantly alert for danger and anxious that I might not be doing enough.

Now, I’ve started practicing how to talk kindly to the inner child of myself—to shift from subconscious suffering to conscious healing.

My father made little Kevin believe that only anger, complaints, and 300% effort could lead to success. My mother made little Kevin believe that love, like emotions, was unreliable.

Whenever things go well—whether in life or relationships—that unfamiliar sense of ease feels inconsistent with the tension and struggle my subconscious is used to. So I would unconsciously begin to sabotage things, just to return to the “normal” state as defined by my subconscious.

I’ve often been able to see through people and situations clearly. The self-sabotage pattern hasn’t affected my ability to observe or analyze, but it has made me choose to give up or escalate conflicts instead of truly facing the problem.

I never understood why I kept repeating this pattern of self-destruction. Now, I’m beginning to understand.